NEWS

Periodic attacks

Staff Writer
Rockford Register Star

DEAR ANNIE: I am considering breaking up with my boyfriend of two years. I love him dearly. He is my best friend. But I am wondering whether he will ever change his destructive behavior.

He comes from a culture that is very reserved and old-fashioned. Growing up, he learned that being a man means dealing with his problems in private — in other words, not dealing with them at all. As a result, he holds in his anger and frustration until he explodes. His anger is scary. He seems out of control.

Over the course of our relationship, I’ve realized that alcohol is his trigger. Every time there is an outburst, he’s drunk. However, there is not necessarily an outburst every time he gets drunk (or tipsy). It probably happens every two or three months.

To further complicate things, he owns up to his problem. He always apologizes. He promises to talk about his feelings more and not let things simmer. Then, after a few weeks go by, he has a few too many and everything starts over.

I am struggling because his anger only manifests itself when he’s drunk. Otherwise, things are amazing. About 99.99 percent of the time, we’re completely in love. I’m trying to figure out what’s best. Should I fish or cut bait? — CONFUSED BUT CARING

DEAR CONFUSED: If a country only fired missiles every two or three months but was peaceful otherwise, should we turn a blind eye?

There are two issues here, and they are both your boyfriend’s. The first is the drinking. It’s not healthy, and it needs to stop. Alcoholics Anonymous, aa.org, can be a wonderful resource.

The second issue, which feeds off the first, is his anger. Ideally, he would get into some form of therapy. There are free or discounted clinics at most universities that have psychology programs.

If he seeks treatment and makes progress in his recovery, then you might consider staying. But if he doesn’t, then listen to him telling you who he is and get out of that relationship.

DEAR ANNIE: My very treasured, albeit achingly needy, friend is under the impression I should consult with her before making plans of my own. Let me be crystal clear: I am not implying she would like to have input on an outing we are planning as besties, as in choosing a movie or discovering our next girls-getaway destination. I’m saying she is miffed if I make an itinerary of any kind without consulting her first. You know, in case she needs “to not be home alone” for fear of anxiety or more tears or both. Or in case, as she puts it, she needs me to “be there” for her. Or even if she just wants to hang out.

You see, this lovely friend — let’s call her Marlene — is not a fan of being alone, even on her best day. And she has recently gotten her heart broken … again. Poor Marlene. I get it. I really do.

I am the trusted bosom buddy. But I am not her boyfriend, nor is she my perma-plus one.

How can I balance being a compassionate friend with having my own life? — SEEKING SOLITUDE

DEAR SEEKING: Codependency isn’t just for romantic relationships. Marlene relies on you to such an extent that it’s toxic. I know you want to help her, but if you spend time with her just because you feel guilty, you aren’t doing her any favors. In fact, you’re enabling her. Encourage Marlene to seek counseling. She needs to learn how to be a friend to herself.

— Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.